NONSENSE FM
BABALAZI: ‘Listen to your radios…..
Radio being tunes
Signature tune
MRIX: We on air and it’s time for the news.
JINGLE:
News is good when you loose.
News is good when you boosed.
News is new to you.
NEWS
BABALAZI: Good afternoon. I’m Babalazi Stlamatlam for Nonsense FM News at 5 pm.
A man has opened a case against his neighbours for insulting his dogs. According to the complainant her neighbours labelled her dogs as lesbians. A witness said a woman got into a heavy argument with a man who said…
MAN 1: You know what, Baby. Last night I had a sweet dream about you.
BABALAZI: And the woman said:
WOMAN 1: What? Even if men where eradicated, I’ll rather give it to my neighbours dogs until they cry ‘woooee wooe’.
BABALAZI: And the complainant said….
WOMAN 2: She doesn’t have the right to mention my dog in the argument. Besides: I don’t own a bitch. Only a bastard.
BABALAZI: The minister of health, Mothusimang has raised eyebrows once again. She said:
MANTO: AIDS is so rife in SA because people, especially black people, don’t understand the real meaning of AIDS.
BABALAZI: She suggested that AIDS be translated into Nguni. Ibizwe kanje -
MANTO: “Ayisekho Impilo Dali Siyafa” [Honey, there is no life. We are dying.]
BABALAZI: Ekurhuleni Metro Police Chief, Robie Mubribe 2006 car accident could have been caused by an increase in his diabetic dosage. Well, Robie Mubride told our news team the gospel truth about his drinking and driving saga. He said:
ROBIE: I was HIV, ‘High In Vodka’. After the car crash I had AIDS ‘Alcohol In The System’. And in the morning I had TB, ‘Terrible Babalaz’.
BABALAZI: Like myself. You know last night me an my friends…we were…
WILLIE: We apologise, dear listeners. We experiencing a bit of a technical problem. But back to the news:
The taxi drivers from the Dom Taxi rank think that when ladies are wearing Iziqhebezana, mini skirts, they actually looking for sex. Women at the Dom taxi rank are being sexually insulted, for instance Monwabisi Nqukana’s skirt was teared apart in public view. After it was published in one of the local news papers, brave women went on a strike asking for the taxi ranks to be shut down. Lala Mashishi has the report.
TAXI SCENE
BABALAZI: I hope you’re wearing your track suits. It’s time for Sport Headlines.
KUJU: I’m Kuju
AMANKWE: I’m Amankwe. You cannot play sport without exercising. Catch us later after these few warm-ups.
BABALAZI: Your weather report. Musina will be at 1°, Cape Town: Tsunami. Hurricane Katrina in KZN. Oh, sorry. This is the wrong report. It’s for next week. During the week. Now today’s weather report. It might be windy…
WILLIE: …sunny…
MRIX: …cloudy…
BABALAZI: Yes, yes, but bear in mind you cannot predict the weather. Looking at our currency. It’s obvious the Rand will never surpass the American dollar. Not to mention the Euro and the Pound. But it will always be above the Zim Dollar. Our top story of the day: Mothusimang has translated the real meaning of AIDS into Nguni. I’ll be back at 18:15 for Inzindaba Zekhanda headlines. I’m Babalazi Stlamatlam for Nonsense FM News.
BCC:
FUNEKA: NONSENSE FM together with the Broadcasting Complains Commission of S.A has signed a code of conduct, just incase they may lie or swear. If you think we not living up to our standard, you can email your complains to bcc@nadsa.co.za or this no: 000 000 0000.
MRIX: Listeners are you listening or are you sleeping? If you are listening, why are you sleeping? I’m Mrix in the mix nama Jita. Welcome to the last hour of the Nonsense Drive Show. We still have a lot of entertainment lined up for you. Our entertainment is lined up like biltong. You may take us through.
WILLIE: Sim mza, mza, mza The potatoes are burning. The belly will burst. Connect listener. The show is rocking. All the time. Gumbafaya. This is the last hour where we do magic where we hold our penis and the water starts coming out. Untamayagaguo akhakhadebra. Welcome to the last hour of The Nonsense Drive. I’m Willie I’m in aka sengingenile and this is Nonsense FM 69.45.
Later today we are interviewing Ntsangweni about his CD launch this Saturday.
Nonsense FM and Soyikwa are giving bursaries to listeners who are interested in Drama, Music and Dance.
MRIX: I can’t wait for Ntsangweni because he was nominated four times. We’ll be back after this.
ADVERT: SOYIKWA
MV: Hee.. My sister, I didn't know you can dance. Where did you learn these moves?
FV: Esoyikwa
MV: Soyikwa, what is that?
FV: ITS THE CENTER OF ARTS BASED in Diepkloof, and is the first of its kind in Soweto.
MV: SO, they teach you to dance only?
FV: No stupid, there' poetry, Drama, Music and creative writing
MV: CREATIVE MY SISTER!!
MV: Sure
FV: ...Eh I’m coming right now
FV: Where are you going?
MV: ESOYIKWAAA..
CLOSING TAG: WOOOZA Esoyikwa ungesabi. SOYIKWA
SONG: REYAYA by Skorokoro.
WILLIE: That was REYAYA by Skorokoro. You should get an award this year. Nakanjani. You deserve it. And the time now: 17:15 after hours. So call us for that Soyikwa competition at 011 069 4599. Or our spare line at 080 1234567. And don’t forget to give us the phrase that pays. After this.
ADVERT: TSHISA AMAFUTHA
FUNEKA: This week on TSHISA AMAFUTHA we are speaking to Kgolwa Haosakgolwe. So tell our listeners about the product.
KGOLWA: I must say it’s the best. Look at me. And look at my picture. Yesterday I was this fat. When I woke up this morning, I couldn’t believe my eyes. I use to wear a size 120 but now I wear size 20.
FUNEKA: There you have it. Get TSHISA AMAFUTHA. If it doesn’t work within 24 hours, keep on trying because you won’t get your money back.
TSHISA AMAFUTHA now available at your nearest Freddy Marked Store and Spaza Shops nationwide.
MRIX: Caller are you there?
CALLER: Soyikwa Soyikwa.
MRIX: You are in. In 5 seconds, give us five types of acting.
CALLER: Stereo type, forced, mechanical, emotional and balanced.
MRIX: Your name, Sista?
CALLER: Lesego.
MRIX: You are truly fortunate. Hold on.
WILLIE: Next caller.
CALLER: Hello, Willie. I’m super……..super delicious that I’m talking to you.
WILLIE: Sista, you’re supposed to give us the phrase that pays.
CALLER: Ooops. Sorry. Soyikwa Soyikwa.
MRIX: Consider yourself lucky because I’m in a good mood today. Please dance for me.
CALLER: OK.
WILLIE: Sista, you deserve being in Soyikwa. Hold on so I can take your details.
MRIX: Last caller you’re on air.
CALLER: Soyikwa Soyikwa.
MRIX: You’re in. How am I speaking to?
CALLER: Surge Omphlope.
MRIX: Ok, Surge Omphlope. Three aspects in acting?
CALLER: Yo yo yo. Three aspects?
MRIX: Your time is up.
WILLIE: What were you looking for?
MRIX: Body, voice and role.
WILLIE: They say keep the best for last. But we kept a stupid for last. That’s it for today. The competition will still go on next week. Aah bafoweto – this next song is from a close friend of mine. Ntsagweni. You are the best.
SONG: AMADILIQUENT
TRAFFIC JINGLE: (SOUND OF BEEPING CARS)
MV: VOETSEK MOVE MAAN!!
fmv: Robots are not working stupid
mv: look at this traffic jam I'm going to be late for supper
fmv: Where is the jam? What jam? I don’t see any jam. But I can see cars in front of us.
TRAFFIC OFFICER: There's a bumper-bumper situation in Xibelaini street.
In Wolmarans a drunken pedestrian has collided with a cyclist. On Soweto highway a passenger and a taxi driver are fighting in the middle of the road. The passenger didn't want to pay, because the taxi is a skorokoro. Apparently he told the taxi driver that he should go to the nearest spaza-shop and fill up his taxi with parrafin or glecerine. A truck driver has bumped into a bridge somewhere around jozi. when the metro cops asked him why he got stuck; he said I was delivering the bridge. Don't use that bridge. Riperile S.A back to the studio.
ADVERT: BLACK LABOUR
Siyafukuza. Later that day….
PALESA: Barman. Two Black Labours.
SHOBA: Ok, drunky.
FUNEKA: Has the Baadjievanger arrived yet?
PALESA: His not getting my beer today. I worked very hard for this.
FUNEKA: You’ll see. He’s going to ask for ‘One Glass, two glass’ then he will start talking too much.
LESEGO: Here come the Baadjievanger.
BAADJIEVANGER: Guys, can I ‘Ma’?
BOTH: No, no, no. Not today.
BAADJIEVANGER: Aah, bafoweto.
FUNEKA: Black Labour. Made for stingy persons. Not for sale to persons under the age of 18 months.
JINGLE: RADIO NONSENSE.
ARTISTS: Hi, I’m Ntsangweni. I’m Skorokoro. I’m Fohli. Hostel Queens. Bova.
MRIX: It’s time for ‘Street Talk’, brought to you by ‘Learn While You Walk’. Babalazi….to you sister.
STREET TALK
BABALAZI: Today on ‘Street Talk’ we are looking at scamto – township slang. To ask a darkie ‘where were you?’ He’ll say ‘I was around the corner’. Does a corner have a round? Some say ‘I passed by the first stop’ but they never stop. Where there is a stop you stop. They say ‘come let’s talk’. When the person comes, what do you expect “Ring-ring”. But they don’t ring – they talk. …Last but not least, when you eat eggs, you eat abortion.
ADVERT: TRIPLE 10 PRODUCTIONS
NONSENSE FM together with Triple 10 Productions brings you Ntsagweni’s CD launch. He’ll be performing alongside Mahostella Queens, Skorokoro, Bova, Fohli and many more. If you have a bold head, s-curl, relax it’s R100 at the door. If you have dreads, you wear a turban, you have a huge beard – it’s free at the door. See you there. Fire fire fire.
NONSENSE RADIO JINGLE:
You are chilling with Mrix and Willie on Nonsense FM 69.45.
SONG: VUMA FOR PRES.
WILLIE: Mrix, did you hear about the LeboM and the Mapetla Awards issue. That he was complaining because he was nominated so many times but never won anything.
MRIX: Can we take two callers? Let’s hear what they say?
WILLIE: Yes, let’s take two. Caller no 9. You’re on air.
BLACK CALLER: Hey bafoweto. LeboM is right. You know what – I feel that there was favouritism there. There was nepotism and friendsism.
WILLIE: Do you go to theatre?
BLACK CALLER: No.
WILLIE: Do you vote for theses artist or are you just complaining?
BLACK CALLER: I’m not complaining. It’s just that black people don’t want to unite. Actually we are the most racists ones. LeboM should have won and that’s a fact.
WILLIE: On that note, Vus – it’s your opinion at the end of the day. Moving on.
MRIX: Caller we on air. Who are we speaking to?
COLOURED CALLER: Draaikop.
MRIX: Draaikop, what do you have to say?
COLOURED CALLER: Hey, kyk hier man, LeboM is siek, djy weet. Because I’m whiter that black. Does that makes me a white person? Hey man. Ons het ok gewen mos. Ek’s nie ‘n whity nie – ek’s black.
MRIX: Draaikop. LeboM said nothing about you guys. So you feel you’re left in the dark.
COLOURED CALLER: In the dark? We were left in the white. Ja, man, kyk hier man. Ek’s praat Afrikaans maar ek’s ‘n swart mens. Ja, man, that’s all I got to say. Die man hy maak my kop draai.
MRIX: Ja ne. Shall we take another caller. Only one caller.
WILLIE: Only one.
MRIX: Caller, speak to us.
WHITE CALLER: Hi, I’m Mrs. Rhodes. Firstly I would like to say – thanks for bringing this up. You know, I use to love LeboM, but after what he said, I’ve completely lost respect for the man. He is so rude you know. How can he bring race into the arts?
WILLIE: So, mam, you think he was just being racist by what he said? Because he also said the world recognises him but here at home, it’s a different story.
WHITE CALLER: LeboM must bear in mind that he might be performing around the world in 80 days, but the world doesn’t revolve around him.
MRIX: Well, Mrs. Rhodes, we will leave it at that. Thanks for tuning in.
WHITE CALLER: My pleasure. Bye.
MRIX: People are taking this issue seriously.
WILLIE: Hey, some said he a racist, Fascist. Some even say he’s a Nazi. Can you believe that?
MRIX: To be quite honest, Grahamstown Arts Festival is the best ever. The rest amashashazi. They should consider hosting there own awards. I’m not sure whether these guys, who claim to be arts administrators, understand arts and culture. Do you think they are investing enough in the arts here in SA?
WILLIE: I don’t think so. Look at Nigeria.
SKETCH:
DIRECTOR: Ok, people, move it. Take your positions. We don’t have electricity. Where is the generator?
GAFFER: He I have him.
DIRECTOR: Ok, generate him.
Generator starts. .BRRRRRRRRR.
DIRECTOR: Ok, cams 1 zoom in, Cam 2 stand by. Boom: in. We start in 3, 2, 1 and action.
MAMA: Obadeo. What happened my son?
SON: Mama, they shot me in the leg. I think I’m going to die.
MAMA: Somebody help. My son is going to die. Please help me……
DIRECTOR: Cut. That’s a rap.
WILLIE: That’s Nollywood for you. They make 10 000 movies in 10 days. Using the same actors and same locations 10 000 time in 10 days. They just do it.
MRIX: Enough with Nollywood. Moving onto headlines.
HEADLINES:
BABALAZI: I’m Babalazi Stlamatlama for Indaba Zekhanda. Another pensioner was told she has expired. Thabo Mbekhi says there’s no crisis in Zim. Eskom headline. Catch me later for more breakings news. Next is Kuju and Amangkwe with your sport rap.
JINGLE: VUVUZELA….ROUND 30.
SPORTS:
AMANGKWA: Hey! Gone are the days when we use to watch Dingaan Thobela win a boxing match and we would run down the streets.
KUJU: Mandela came out of prison we run down the streets.
AMANGKWA: Bafabafa took the Africa Cup of Tribes. We run down the streets.
KUJU: Ruby took the world cup for the firsts time in 1995 – we run down the streets, chana.
AMANGKWA: Anything would happen and we would run down the streets. We ended up creating our own Comrades Marathon. Which not even a single South African has ever won. You know why?
SKETCH
KUJU: Get a comrade to run the Comrades Marathon. He will win.
AMANGKWA: Moving onto the future. 2010.
KUJU: What will you be doing in 2010?
AMANGKWA: Properly owning my own netball club.
KUJU: Whatever, because the chairman of SAFA – the guys who brought us 2010 – Ivy Mshoza. Apparently he called a journalist a’ Kaffir’.
ALL: A what??????
KUJU: A ‘Kaffir’ He had no choice but to apologise because the word is forbidden.
AMANGKWA: But we understand - what he meant to say was:…
IVY: Why don’t you believe me?
AMANGKWA: But he ended up saying:…
IVY: Baby, you think like a kaffir.
AMANGKWA: Still on soccer. They say it’s a national squad, but only an individual gets to choose the team. Why can’t we have the whole nation to choose the team?
KUJU: Lines men. Are they ‘lines men’ or are the ‘lying men’?
AMANGKWA: Lying men.
KUJU: Why do we have the best goal scorer but not best defender?
AMANGKWA: Angisakhulumi, nasesiswini yindliala kuphela.
KUJU: And we have this guy called Jabupuuuu Jabupeee..
AMANGKWA: Jabu Mhlasela.
KUJU: Yene loyo.
AMANGKWA: Apparently he is shuffling girls with mini skirts. Jabu Pule the soccer star.
KUJU: He became Jabu Ngwana Watshwenya, the alcohol, drug addict.
AMANGKWA: But now he’s Jaby Mahlangu, the kwaito star.
KUJU: His new album is called ‘ Tsamaya’ aka ‘Yellow Pages’.
AMANGKWA: He’s very ambitious.
KUJU: That’s it from me Kuju.
AMANGKWA: And Amangkwa with your sports rap. I’ll be back in case of an emergency.
MRIX: We are going shopping.
ADVERT: GRANDMA
FMV: I headache
FMV: I have stomach cramps
Fmv: I have a pain in the bum
CLOSING TAG: JUST GET ME GRANDMA. I DISSOLVE FAST LIKE SHErBERT
INTERVIEW: MADILIQUENT & FOHLI
WILLIE: Ntsangweni in the house; put on the headphones and tell us what’s up.
Ntsangweni: Ayoba, Ayoba, Ayoba, uyazaz ‘ lezi.
WILLIE: Okay, siyazaz lezi, tell us what’s up.
Ntsangweni: What’s up?
WILLIE: Yes, what’s up.
Ntsangweni: The roof.
WILLIE: Funny, Funny Funny Funny Funny. Okay Ntsangweni, on a serious note. What puts you here?
Ntsangweni: I came to remind the listeners, that this week it’s my CD launch. So they must come in numbers. Because I have mahala tickets, CD’s caps, t-shirts and underwear.
MRIX: You go, young boy. So tell me, young boy, what’s with your celebrities wearing sunglasses in dark places?
Ntsangweni: Well, the future looks bright so I let me get some shade.
MRIX: Did the future look bright at the Winter Awards, because you were nominated four times and you never won.
Ntsangweni: Well, what can I say? I think I was shown the invincible middle finger.
MRIX: Wow, so Sis Fohli, you are new in the industry and I must say your music is so fat, fresh, hot and oily. So how is the industry responding otherwise?
FOHLI: I must say, I’m the biggest winner. I’m getting fatter and fatter everyday.
MRIX: So young girl, I hear you are doing a lot of stomach exercises. Tell us the secret.
FOHLI: I just get myself two full chickens, a loaf and a half of bread, two liter cold drink. I eat it all. Then I burp. Stomach exercises.
MRIX: You go girl.
FOHLI: So what-up with Nonsense FM? I see a lot of changes.
MRIX: Well, people were fired. People resigned. For instance, Johanna is running a catering business –she’s cooking at home. Tulani opened a day care. He wants to do nursery rhyming for the kids. Stan is doing some technical stuff at Wits. Mashudu is doing Shakespeare in Mzimhlophe and Vus is an electrician.
FOHLI: Oh, form an artist to an electrician? Quite a big move.
MRIX: Enough about Nonsense FM. Back to you. What must people expect from you this Saturday, young girl?
FOHLI: Spedede, boerewors, braai pack, chicken curry. I’m quite fleshy around the waist.
WILLIE: Let’s get paid.
ADVERT: GANJA SPICE
A: Ooh, my friend, I smell from the toilet that you are cooking something good. Actually the smell is covering all my excrement.
B: Chicken feet, gimlets.
A: Aaa. Come on. Don’t play with me.
B: Ok, it’s Ganja Spice.
A: What? Ganja Spice?
B: Yes. You put it in your pap. You put it in your juice. Put it in your sauce. Your husband and children will always be high and next to your curve.
C: Mmmmmncwa. Just spice it up with Ganja Spice. Now with more pitte.
WILLIE: Already the phones are blinking. Caller we’re on air.
CALLER 1: Heeeeyyyy.
ALL: Heeeeyyyy.
CALLER 1: Hey, guys, I have a joke for you, but before that I would like to apologies to my current boyfriend. I slept with my x-boyfriends.
WILLIE: What? Ok tell us your joke.
CALLER 1: I said, slept – with - my - x-boyfriends.
WILLIE: Your joke. Please!
CALLER 1: Ok, Mrix, you know last night I was at Willie’s place. I found him stirring tea with a bone. When I asked him what he was doing he said: baby, I’m doing T-bone.
WILLIE: That’s not so funny. Moving on. Next caller.
CALLER 2: Heyta, hola. Am I on air?
WILLIE: You are flying.
CALLER 2: And it’s my first time, flying on air. I’d like to say that I love SA music. It rocks. Ayoba. Fohti. Ayoba. I’m going with you.
Ntsangweni: No, I’m leaving you behind.
CALLER: 2: Mrix, are you smart?
MRIX: Of course. I’m a radio personality. What do you think?
CALLER 2: Ok, radio personality – Hao Long is a china man?
ALL: Short? Long?
CALLER 2: I’m not asking you. I’m telling you. Hao is a name and ‘Long’ is a surname So Hao Long is a man from China.
WILLIE: Smart, sista. Did you know that Bob Marley is still a legend?
CALLER 2: No.
WILLIE: Now that’s smart. You can take that to your bank account.
ALL: Ooooowiiiiii!
WILLIE: Switch of that piece of scrap, jou poepol.
MRIX: Next caller u se moyeni.
CALLER 3: Eitha bafetho I can see you in the studio. I’ve locked onto Audi Nonsense. So do something and I’ll describe it to you.
They do some movements.
CALLER 3: Describing actions. Bafowetho. I’m asking for underwear’s please.
Ntsangweni: My sista, there nothing for mahala. When is my CD launch performance?
CALLER 3: This Saturday.
Ntsangweni: The hamper is yours. See on Saturday.
WILLIE: Your name, sista?
CALLER 3: Five cents.
WILLIE: No wonder you are looking for underwear. Five cents have no value. But keep on spinning.
MRIX: Last caller.
CALLER 4: Hello Willie, hello Mrix. May I please speak to Motsangweni? I’m asking for underwear. My husband has run out of underwear. Only the elastic is left. Can you please help?
Ntsangweni: Ok, nothing for mahala. Who is going to perform with me?
CALLER 4: Barry White. Michael Jackson.
Ntsangweni: Mama, I’m sorry. You are so wrong.
CALLER 4: Ntsangweni ijoo!
ADVERT: SEX LIFE
FUNEKA: Are you having problems with your sex life? Do you think God gave you a tiny tingle ingle?
ELLEN: HA ha ha!
FUNEKA: Don’t worry. Dr. Allil Moogdulat Aba can help. Just call this number: 6543210. It’s a zero problem. They have up and down exercises, enlargement. This is a professional product for amateur people. Be smart. Call now.
INTERVIEW: MADILIQUENT & FOHLI (Continued)
WILLIE: So, Ntsangweni, are you still on drugs? I hear you are no longer doing cocaine but gun powder.
Ntsangweni: Willie, you see the media is bess mouthing me. I’m a born again. I’m completely changed. I’m so sweet you can actually lick me.
WILLIE: Bouga Lav – the guy who was presenting the Winter Awards – said the media still labels him as Tabelo, the recovered drug addict, even after becoming a pastor. He further said he can still save the Pope from drowning in the water. The media will still write ‘Tabelo, the recovered drug addict saved the Pope’. So Ntsangweni – me, I’m asking you this: if there was ganja and the Pope drowning – what would you do?
Ntsangweni: Laughing ‘It’s obvious’
WILLIE: My friend, I think you need an intensive re-re-habilitation.
NEWSPAPER READINGS
WILLIE: Moffie Story
MRIX: From the Citygerm, a family from Cape Town was complaining that every time they go to sleep, a person with a lot of fur all over his body, claps his hands and sings ‘Hosanna, Hosanna’. They are so terrified by his voice. They are pleading to any sangoma who can help to come forward.
WILLIE: On the Daily Moon it is said that Madiba was hip-hopping with 50c at the Dome. Can you imagine what happened?
MADIBA SKETCH
WILLIE: That’s it from us. That’s all we have for you from today’s paper readings. We are coming back.
ADVERT: HUMMING BIRD.
BELINDA: Oh Lord, let the shit come out.
RICKY: Hm, it stinks like hell. Do we have a rotten cage in the house?
GERMS: Anikaki, anikaki. Vulani amawindow.
RICKY: You’re toilet stink because you’re pooping and weeweeing and end up with things like living germs that goes like…
GERMS: Attack. Attaaaack!!!
BELINDA: Your toilet is not clean until its Humming Clean.
SONG: BOVA.
ADVERT: ANIMATION
PALESA: It’s winter. Winter special at Animation. This winter, come to Animation because our prices are being cut down. You see this ‘Mmmm’ was ‘Mmmm mmm mmm’. But now ‘skero skero skero’ ‘MMmm mmm mmm’. This ‘mmmm’ and this ‘mmm’ was ‘mmmm;. But now ‘skero skero skero’. Mmmm mmmm. And this mascara was R5 but now skero skero skero R4.99. And you can visit us for body massage, manicure, pedicure, face lifting, plastic hair, for instance shaving your eye browns and replacing them with crayon. This winter, come to Animation, because we will animate you to be unique, different, ek se become a Popeye.
WILLIE & MRIX: EMAILS
NEWS
BABALAZI: I’m Babalazi Stlamatlam for the last bulletin of the day. Rumours about pastors Sis being a fake healer has left people with unanswered questions. It's said that the preacher is robbing people because if you read the bible correctly, there is nowhere where Jesus ever asked people to give him money. Other people said he must go to Chris Hanoi Hospital and hospices in SA to assist our Dept of Health to cure the sick. Surely the minister won’t mind the help. Well, from me, Babalazi, here is a tip to church goers: if you are asked to donate money, just ask for God’s banking details and do a heavenly transfer.
A pensioner was crying in grief after he was told by the department of welfare that he can’t get paid. The pensioner told our news team that...
PENSIONER: The welfare department told me that I’m very, very, very old so they gave me a new id book but instead of writing my age they wrote ‘expired’.
BABALAZI: Things are still tense in Zimbabwe since people went to the voting station some weeks ago. Mr. Mbeki was send by SADC to go and observe the crisis. Lala Mashishi has the report.
CROWD: Rape. Burn. Take the farm. Kill.
BELINDA: The situation is still not conducive. The president of SA Mr. Mpheki has been send by SADC to observe the situation in Zimbabwe. He’s watching. He is still watching. Let me speak to Mr. Mpeki. Sir, what do you think about the situation?
MPEKI: There’s no crisis in Zim.
BELINDA: Are you sure, Sir?
MPEKI: I don’t see any crisis.
BELINDA: You’ve heard from Mr. Mpeki – there’s no crisis in Zim. You can all go home to load shedding.
CROWD MEMBER: I’m burning. I’m burning.
EMERGENCY SPORTS
AMANGKWA: Guys, as we all know - Perera has left us. He said he was heartbroken. But we all know he was not broke.
MRIX: That’s it from me, Mrix. You know you can’t get rid of me because I’m so sick. I’m like HIV. See you next week.
WILLIE: Sim mza, mza, mza. To those big ears and small ears: whatever you do, don’t do it over over do it. Don’t enjoy, but be enjoyed. They say it’s not over until the fat lady sings.
SONG: FOHLI
BABALAZI: ‘Listen to your radios…..
Radio being tunes
Signature tune
MRIX: We on air and it’s time for the news.
JINGLE:
News is good when you loose.
News is good when you boosed.
News is new to you.
NEWS
BABALAZI: Good afternoon. I’m Babalazi Stlamatlam for Nonsense FM News at 5 pm.
A man has opened a case against his neighbours for insulting his dogs. According to the complainant her neighbours labelled her dogs as lesbians. A witness said a woman got into a heavy argument with a man who said…
MAN 1: You know what, Baby. Last night I had a sweet dream about you.
BABALAZI: And the woman said:
WOMAN 1: What? Even if men where eradicated, I’ll rather give it to my neighbours dogs until they cry ‘woooee wooe’.
BABALAZI: And the complainant said….
WOMAN 2: She doesn’t have the right to mention my dog in the argument. Besides: I don’t own a bitch. Only a bastard.
BABALAZI: The minister of health, Mothusimang has raised eyebrows once again. She said:
MANTO: AIDS is so rife in SA because people, especially black people, don’t understand the real meaning of AIDS.
BABALAZI: She suggested that AIDS be translated into Nguni. Ibizwe kanje -
MANTO: “Ayisekho Impilo Dali Siyafa” [Honey, there is no life. We are dying.]
BABALAZI: Ekurhuleni Metro Police Chief, Robie Mubribe 2006 car accident could have been caused by an increase in his diabetic dosage. Well, Robie Mubride told our news team the gospel truth about his drinking and driving saga. He said:
ROBIE: I was HIV, ‘High In Vodka’. After the car crash I had AIDS ‘Alcohol In The System’. And in the morning I had TB, ‘Terrible Babalaz’.
BABALAZI: Like myself. You know last night me an my friends…we were…
WILLIE: We apologise, dear listeners. We experiencing a bit of a technical problem. But back to the news:
The taxi drivers from the Dom Taxi rank think that when ladies are wearing Iziqhebezana, mini skirts, they actually looking for sex. Women at the Dom taxi rank are being sexually insulted, for instance Monwabisi Nqukana’s skirt was teared apart in public view. After it was published in one of the local news papers, brave women went on a strike asking for the taxi ranks to be shut down. Lala Mashishi has the report.
TAXI SCENE
BABALAZI: I hope you’re wearing your track suits. It’s time for Sport Headlines.
KUJU: I’m Kuju
AMANKWE: I’m Amankwe. You cannot play sport without exercising. Catch us later after these few warm-ups.
BABALAZI: Your weather report. Musina will be at 1°, Cape Town: Tsunami. Hurricane Katrina in KZN. Oh, sorry. This is the wrong report. It’s for next week. During the week. Now today’s weather report. It might be windy…
WILLIE: …sunny…
MRIX: …cloudy…
BABALAZI: Yes, yes, but bear in mind you cannot predict the weather. Looking at our currency. It’s obvious the Rand will never surpass the American dollar. Not to mention the Euro and the Pound. But it will always be above the Zim Dollar. Our top story of the day: Mothusimang has translated the real meaning of AIDS into Nguni. I’ll be back at 18:15 for Inzindaba Zekhanda headlines. I’m Babalazi Stlamatlam for Nonsense FM News.
BCC:
FUNEKA: NONSENSE FM together with the Broadcasting Complains Commission of S.A has signed a code of conduct, just incase they may lie or swear. If you think we not living up to our standard, you can email your complains to bcc@nadsa.co.za or this no: 000 000 0000.
MRIX: Listeners are you listening or are you sleeping? If you are listening, why are you sleeping? I’m Mrix in the mix nama Jita. Welcome to the last hour of the Nonsense Drive Show. We still have a lot of entertainment lined up for you. Our entertainment is lined up like biltong. You may take us through.
WILLIE: Sim mza, mza, mza The potatoes are burning. The belly will burst. Connect listener. The show is rocking. All the time. Gumbafaya. This is the last hour where we do magic where we hold our penis and the water starts coming out. Untamayagaguo akhakhadebra. Welcome to the last hour of The Nonsense Drive. I’m Willie I’m in aka sengingenile and this is Nonsense FM 69.45.
Later today we are interviewing Ntsangweni about his CD launch this Saturday.
Nonsense FM and Soyikwa are giving bursaries to listeners who are interested in Drama, Music and Dance.
MRIX: I can’t wait for Ntsangweni because he was nominated four times. We’ll be back after this.
ADVERT: SOYIKWA
MV: Hee.. My sister, I didn't know you can dance. Where did you learn these moves?
FV: Esoyikwa
MV: Soyikwa, what is that?
FV: ITS THE CENTER OF ARTS BASED in Diepkloof, and is the first of its kind in Soweto.
MV: SO, they teach you to dance only?
FV: No stupid, there' poetry, Drama, Music and creative writing
MV: CREATIVE MY SISTER!!
MV: Sure
FV: ...Eh I’m coming right now
FV: Where are you going?
MV: ESOYIKWAAA..
CLOSING TAG: WOOOZA Esoyikwa ungesabi. SOYIKWA
SONG: REYAYA by Skorokoro.
WILLIE: That was REYAYA by Skorokoro. You should get an award this year. Nakanjani. You deserve it. And the time now: 17:15 after hours. So call us for that Soyikwa competition at 011 069 4599. Or our spare line at 080 1234567. And don’t forget to give us the phrase that pays. After this.
ADVERT: TSHISA AMAFUTHA
FUNEKA: This week on TSHISA AMAFUTHA we are speaking to Kgolwa Haosakgolwe. So tell our listeners about the product.
KGOLWA: I must say it’s the best. Look at me. And look at my picture. Yesterday I was this fat. When I woke up this morning, I couldn’t believe my eyes. I use to wear a size 120 but now I wear size 20.
FUNEKA: There you have it. Get TSHISA AMAFUTHA. If it doesn’t work within 24 hours, keep on trying because you won’t get your money back.
TSHISA AMAFUTHA now available at your nearest Freddy Marked Store and Spaza Shops nationwide.
MRIX: Caller are you there?
CALLER: Soyikwa Soyikwa.
MRIX: You are in. In 5 seconds, give us five types of acting.
CALLER: Stereo type, forced, mechanical, emotional and balanced.
MRIX: Your name, Sista?
CALLER: Lesego.
MRIX: You are truly fortunate. Hold on.
WILLIE: Next caller.
CALLER: Hello, Willie. I’m super……..super delicious that I’m talking to you.
WILLIE: Sista, you’re supposed to give us the phrase that pays.
CALLER: Ooops. Sorry. Soyikwa Soyikwa.
MRIX: Consider yourself lucky because I’m in a good mood today. Please dance for me.
CALLER: OK.
WILLIE: Sista, you deserve being in Soyikwa. Hold on so I can take your details.
MRIX: Last caller you’re on air.
CALLER: Soyikwa Soyikwa.
MRIX: You’re in. How am I speaking to?
CALLER: Surge Omphlope.
MRIX: Ok, Surge Omphlope. Three aspects in acting?
CALLER: Yo yo yo. Three aspects?
MRIX: Your time is up.
WILLIE: What were you looking for?
MRIX: Body, voice and role.
WILLIE: They say keep the best for last. But we kept a stupid for last. That’s it for today. The competition will still go on next week. Aah bafoweto – this next song is from a close friend of mine. Ntsagweni. You are the best.
SONG: AMADILIQUENT
TRAFFIC JINGLE: (SOUND OF BEEPING CARS)
MV: VOETSEK MOVE MAAN!!
fmv: Robots are not working stupid
mv: look at this traffic jam I'm going to be late for supper
fmv: Where is the jam? What jam? I don’t see any jam. But I can see cars in front of us.
TRAFFIC OFFICER: There's a bumper-bumper situation in Xibelaini street.
In Wolmarans a drunken pedestrian has collided with a cyclist. On Soweto highway a passenger and a taxi driver are fighting in the middle of the road. The passenger didn't want to pay, because the taxi is a skorokoro. Apparently he told the taxi driver that he should go to the nearest spaza-shop and fill up his taxi with parrafin or glecerine. A truck driver has bumped into a bridge somewhere around jozi. when the metro cops asked him why he got stuck; he said I was delivering the bridge. Don't use that bridge. Riperile S.A back to the studio.
ADVERT: BLACK LABOUR
Siyafukuza. Later that day….
PALESA: Barman. Two Black Labours.
SHOBA: Ok, drunky.
FUNEKA: Has the Baadjievanger arrived yet?
PALESA: His not getting my beer today. I worked very hard for this.
FUNEKA: You’ll see. He’s going to ask for ‘One Glass, two glass’ then he will start talking too much.
LESEGO: Here come the Baadjievanger.
BAADJIEVANGER: Guys, can I ‘Ma’?
BOTH: No, no, no. Not today.
BAADJIEVANGER: Aah, bafoweto.
FUNEKA: Black Labour. Made for stingy persons. Not for sale to persons under the age of 18 months.
JINGLE: RADIO NONSENSE.
ARTISTS: Hi, I’m Ntsangweni. I’m Skorokoro. I’m Fohli. Hostel Queens. Bova.
MRIX: It’s time for ‘Street Talk’, brought to you by ‘Learn While You Walk’. Babalazi….to you sister.
STREET TALK
BABALAZI: Today on ‘Street Talk’ we are looking at scamto – township slang. To ask a darkie ‘where were you?’ He’ll say ‘I was around the corner’. Does a corner have a round? Some say ‘I passed by the first stop’ but they never stop. Where there is a stop you stop. They say ‘come let’s talk’. When the person comes, what do you expect “Ring-ring”. But they don’t ring – they talk. …Last but not least, when you eat eggs, you eat abortion.
ADVERT: TRIPLE 10 PRODUCTIONS
NONSENSE FM together with Triple 10 Productions brings you Ntsagweni’s CD launch. He’ll be performing alongside Mahostella Queens, Skorokoro, Bova, Fohli and many more. If you have a bold head, s-curl, relax it’s R100 at the door. If you have dreads, you wear a turban, you have a huge beard – it’s free at the door. See you there. Fire fire fire.
NONSENSE RADIO JINGLE:
You are chilling with Mrix and Willie on Nonsense FM 69.45.
SONG: VUMA FOR PRES.
WILLIE: Mrix, did you hear about the LeboM and the Mapetla Awards issue. That he was complaining because he was nominated so many times but never won anything.
MRIX: Can we take two callers? Let’s hear what they say?
WILLIE: Yes, let’s take two. Caller no 9. You’re on air.
BLACK CALLER: Hey bafoweto. LeboM is right. You know what – I feel that there was favouritism there. There was nepotism and friendsism.
WILLIE: Do you go to theatre?
BLACK CALLER: No.
WILLIE: Do you vote for theses artist or are you just complaining?
BLACK CALLER: I’m not complaining. It’s just that black people don’t want to unite. Actually we are the most racists ones. LeboM should have won and that’s a fact.
WILLIE: On that note, Vus – it’s your opinion at the end of the day. Moving on.
MRIX: Caller we on air. Who are we speaking to?
COLOURED CALLER: Draaikop.
MRIX: Draaikop, what do you have to say?
COLOURED CALLER: Hey, kyk hier man, LeboM is siek, djy weet. Because I’m whiter that black. Does that makes me a white person? Hey man. Ons het ok gewen mos. Ek’s nie ‘n whity nie – ek’s black.
MRIX: Draaikop. LeboM said nothing about you guys. So you feel you’re left in the dark.
COLOURED CALLER: In the dark? We were left in the white. Ja, man, kyk hier man. Ek’s praat Afrikaans maar ek’s ‘n swart mens. Ja, man, that’s all I got to say. Die man hy maak my kop draai.
MRIX: Ja ne. Shall we take another caller. Only one caller.
WILLIE: Only one.
MRIX: Caller, speak to us.
WHITE CALLER: Hi, I’m Mrs. Rhodes. Firstly I would like to say – thanks for bringing this up. You know, I use to love LeboM, but after what he said, I’ve completely lost respect for the man. He is so rude you know. How can he bring race into the arts?
WILLIE: So, mam, you think he was just being racist by what he said? Because he also said the world recognises him but here at home, it’s a different story.
WHITE CALLER: LeboM must bear in mind that he might be performing around the world in 80 days, but the world doesn’t revolve around him.
MRIX: Well, Mrs. Rhodes, we will leave it at that. Thanks for tuning in.
WHITE CALLER: My pleasure. Bye.
MRIX: People are taking this issue seriously.
WILLIE: Hey, some said he a racist, Fascist. Some even say he’s a Nazi. Can you believe that?
MRIX: To be quite honest, Grahamstown Arts Festival is the best ever. The rest amashashazi. They should consider hosting there own awards. I’m not sure whether these guys, who claim to be arts administrators, understand arts and culture. Do you think they are investing enough in the arts here in SA?
WILLIE: I don’t think so. Look at Nigeria.
SKETCH:
DIRECTOR: Ok, people, move it. Take your positions. We don’t have electricity. Where is the generator?
GAFFER: He I have him.
DIRECTOR: Ok, generate him.
Generator starts. .BRRRRRRRRR.
DIRECTOR: Ok, cams 1 zoom in, Cam 2 stand by. Boom: in. We start in 3, 2, 1 and action.
MAMA: Obadeo. What happened my son?
SON: Mama, they shot me in the leg. I think I’m going to die.
MAMA: Somebody help. My son is going to die. Please help me……
DIRECTOR: Cut. That’s a rap.
WILLIE: That’s Nollywood for you. They make 10 000 movies in 10 days. Using the same actors and same locations 10 000 time in 10 days. They just do it.
MRIX: Enough with Nollywood. Moving onto headlines.
HEADLINES:
BABALAZI: I’m Babalazi Stlamatlama for Indaba Zekhanda. Another pensioner was told she has expired. Thabo Mbekhi says there’s no crisis in Zim. Eskom headline. Catch me later for more breakings news. Next is Kuju and Amangkwe with your sport rap.
JINGLE: VUVUZELA….ROUND 30.
SPORTS:
AMANGKWA: Hey! Gone are the days when we use to watch Dingaan Thobela win a boxing match and we would run down the streets.
KUJU: Mandela came out of prison we run down the streets.
AMANGKWA: Bafabafa took the Africa Cup of Tribes. We run down the streets.
KUJU: Ruby took the world cup for the firsts time in 1995 – we run down the streets, chana.
AMANGKWA: Anything would happen and we would run down the streets. We ended up creating our own Comrades Marathon. Which not even a single South African has ever won. You know why?
SKETCH
KUJU: Get a comrade to run the Comrades Marathon. He will win.
AMANGKWA: Moving onto the future. 2010.
KUJU: What will you be doing in 2010?
AMANGKWA: Properly owning my own netball club.
KUJU: Whatever, because the chairman of SAFA – the guys who brought us 2010 – Ivy Mshoza. Apparently he called a journalist a’ Kaffir’.
ALL: A what??????
KUJU: A ‘Kaffir’ He had no choice but to apologise because the word is forbidden.
AMANGKWA: But we understand - what he meant to say was:…
IVY: Why don’t you believe me?
AMANGKWA: But he ended up saying:…
IVY: Baby, you think like a kaffir.
AMANGKWA: Still on soccer. They say it’s a national squad, but only an individual gets to choose the team. Why can’t we have the whole nation to choose the team?
KUJU: Lines men. Are they ‘lines men’ or are the ‘lying men’?
AMANGKWA: Lying men.
KUJU: Why do we have the best goal scorer but not best defender?
AMANGKWA: Angisakhulumi, nasesiswini yindliala kuphela.
KUJU: And we have this guy called Jabupuuuu Jabupeee..
AMANGKWA: Jabu Mhlasela.
KUJU: Yene loyo.
AMANGKWA: Apparently he is shuffling girls with mini skirts. Jabu Pule the soccer star.
KUJU: He became Jabu Ngwana Watshwenya, the alcohol, drug addict.
AMANGKWA: But now he’s Jaby Mahlangu, the kwaito star.
KUJU: His new album is called ‘ Tsamaya’ aka ‘Yellow Pages’.
AMANGKWA: He’s very ambitious.
KUJU: That’s it from me Kuju.
AMANGKWA: And Amangkwa with your sports rap. I’ll be back in case of an emergency.
MRIX: We are going shopping.
ADVERT: GRANDMA
FMV: I headache
FMV: I have stomach cramps
Fmv: I have a pain in the bum
CLOSING TAG: JUST GET ME GRANDMA. I DISSOLVE FAST LIKE SHErBERT
INTERVIEW: MADILIQUENT & FOHLI
WILLIE: Ntsangweni in the house; put on the headphones and tell us what’s up.
Ntsangweni: Ayoba, Ayoba, Ayoba, uyazaz ‘ lezi.
WILLIE: Okay, siyazaz lezi, tell us what’s up.
Ntsangweni: What’s up?
WILLIE: Yes, what’s up.
Ntsangweni: The roof.
WILLIE: Funny, Funny Funny Funny Funny. Okay Ntsangweni, on a serious note. What puts you here?
Ntsangweni: I came to remind the listeners, that this week it’s my CD launch. So they must come in numbers. Because I have mahala tickets, CD’s caps, t-shirts and underwear.
MRIX: You go, young boy. So tell me, young boy, what’s with your celebrities wearing sunglasses in dark places?
Ntsangweni: Well, the future looks bright so I let me get some shade.
MRIX: Did the future look bright at the Winter Awards, because you were nominated four times and you never won.
Ntsangweni: Well, what can I say? I think I was shown the invincible middle finger.
MRIX: Wow, so Sis Fohli, you are new in the industry and I must say your music is so fat, fresh, hot and oily. So how is the industry responding otherwise?
FOHLI: I must say, I’m the biggest winner. I’m getting fatter and fatter everyday.
MRIX: So young girl, I hear you are doing a lot of stomach exercises. Tell us the secret.
FOHLI: I just get myself two full chickens, a loaf and a half of bread, two liter cold drink. I eat it all. Then I burp. Stomach exercises.
MRIX: You go girl.
FOHLI: So what-up with Nonsense FM? I see a lot of changes.
MRIX: Well, people were fired. People resigned. For instance, Johanna is running a catering business –she’s cooking at home. Tulani opened a day care. He wants to do nursery rhyming for the kids. Stan is doing some technical stuff at Wits. Mashudu is doing Shakespeare in Mzimhlophe and Vus is an electrician.
FOHLI: Oh, form an artist to an electrician? Quite a big move.
MRIX: Enough about Nonsense FM. Back to you. What must people expect from you this Saturday, young girl?
FOHLI: Spedede, boerewors, braai pack, chicken curry. I’m quite fleshy around the waist.
WILLIE: Let’s get paid.
ADVERT: GANJA SPICE
A: Ooh, my friend, I smell from the toilet that you are cooking something good. Actually the smell is covering all my excrement.
B: Chicken feet, gimlets.
A: Aaa. Come on. Don’t play with me.
B: Ok, it’s Ganja Spice.
A: What? Ganja Spice?
B: Yes. You put it in your pap. You put it in your juice. Put it in your sauce. Your husband and children will always be high and next to your curve.
C: Mmmmmncwa. Just spice it up with Ganja Spice. Now with more pitte.
WILLIE: Already the phones are blinking. Caller we’re on air.
CALLER 1: Heeeeyyyy.
ALL: Heeeeyyyy.
CALLER 1: Hey, guys, I have a joke for you, but before that I would like to apologies to my current boyfriend. I slept with my x-boyfriends.
WILLIE: What? Ok tell us your joke.
CALLER 1: I said, slept – with - my - x-boyfriends.
WILLIE: Your joke. Please!
CALLER 1: Ok, Mrix, you know last night I was at Willie’s place. I found him stirring tea with a bone. When I asked him what he was doing he said: baby, I’m doing T-bone.
WILLIE: That’s not so funny. Moving on. Next caller.
CALLER 2: Heyta, hola. Am I on air?
WILLIE: You are flying.
CALLER 2: And it’s my first time, flying on air. I’d like to say that I love SA music. It rocks. Ayoba. Fohti. Ayoba. I’m going with you.
Ntsangweni: No, I’m leaving you behind.
CALLER: 2: Mrix, are you smart?
MRIX: Of course. I’m a radio personality. What do you think?
CALLER 2: Ok, radio personality – Hao Long is a china man?
ALL: Short? Long?
CALLER 2: I’m not asking you. I’m telling you. Hao is a name and ‘Long’ is a surname So Hao Long is a man from China.
WILLIE: Smart, sista. Did you know that Bob Marley is still a legend?
CALLER 2: No.
WILLIE: Now that’s smart. You can take that to your bank account.
ALL: Ooooowiiiiii!
WILLIE: Switch of that piece of scrap, jou poepol.
MRIX: Next caller u se moyeni.
CALLER 3: Eitha bafetho I can see you in the studio. I’ve locked onto Audi Nonsense. So do something and I’ll describe it to you.
They do some movements.
CALLER 3: Describing actions. Bafowetho. I’m asking for underwear’s please.
Ntsangweni: My sista, there nothing for mahala. When is my CD launch performance?
CALLER 3: This Saturday.
Ntsangweni: The hamper is yours. See on Saturday.
WILLIE: Your name, sista?
CALLER 3: Five cents.
WILLIE: No wonder you are looking for underwear. Five cents have no value. But keep on spinning.
MRIX: Last caller.
CALLER 4: Hello Willie, hello Mrix. May I please speak to Motsangweni? I’m asking for underwear. My husband has run out of underwear. Only the elastic is left. Can you please help?
Ntsangweni: Ok, nothing for mahala. Who is going to perform with me?
CALLER 4: Barry White. Michael Jackson.
Ntsangweni: Mama, I’m sorry. You are so wrong.
CALLER 4: Ntsangweni ijoo!
ADVERT: SEX LIFE
FUNEKA: Are you having problems with your sex life? Do you think God gave you a tiny tingle ingle?
ELLEN: HA ha ha!
FUNEKA: Don’t worry. Dr. Allil Moogdulat Aba can help. Just call this number: 6543210. It’s a zero problem. They have up and down exercises, enlargement. This is a professional product for amateur people. Be smart. Call now.
INTERVIEW: MADILIQUENT & FOHLI (Continued)
WILLIE: So, Ntsangweni, are you still on drugs? I hear you are no longer doing cocaine but gun powder.
Ntsangweni: Willie, you see the media is bess mouthing me. I’m a born again. I’m completely changed. I’m so sweet you can actually lick me.
WILLIE: Bouga Lav – the guy who was presenting the Winter Awards – said the media still labels him as Tabelo, the recovered drug addict, even after becoming a pastor. He further said he can still save the Pope from drowning in the water. The media will still write ‘Tabelo, the recovered drug addict saved the Pope’. So Ntsangweni – me, I’m asking you this: if there was ganja and the Pope drowning – what would you do?
Ntsangweni: Laughing ‘It’s obvious’
WILLIE: My friend, I think you need an intensive re-re-habilitation.
NEWSPAPER READINGS
WILLIE: Moffie Story
MRIX: From the Citygerm, a family from Cape Town was complaining that every time they go to sleep, a person with a lot of fur all over his body, claps his hands and sings ‘Hosanna, Hosanna’. They are so terrified by his voice. They are pleading to any sangoma who can help to come forward.
WILLIE: On the Daily Moon it is said that Madiba was hip-hopping with 50c at the Dome. Can you imagine what happened?
MADIBA SKETCH
WILLIE: That’s it from us. That’s all we have for you from today’s paper readings. We are coming back.
ADVERT: HUMMING BIRD.
BELINDA: Oh Lord, let the shit come out.
RICKY: Hm, it stinks like hell. Do we have a rotten cage in the house?
GERMS: Anikaki, anikaki. Vulani amawindow.
RICKY: You’re toilet stink because you’re pooping and weeweeing and end up with things like living germs that goes like…
GERMS: Attack. Attaaaack!!!
BELINDA: Your toilet is not clean until its Humming Clean.
SONG: BOVA.
ADVERT: ANIMATION
PALESA: It’s winter. Winter special at Animation. This winter, come to Animation because our prices are being cut down. You see this ‘Mmmm’ was ‘Mmmm mmm mmm’. But now ‘skero skero skero’ ‘MMmm mmm mmm’. This ‘mmmm’ and this ‘mmm’ was ‘mmmm;. But now ‘skero skero skero’. Mmmm mmmm. And this mascara was R5 but now skero skero skero R4.99. And you can visit us for body massage, manicure, pedicure, face lifting, plastic hair, for instance shaving your eye browns and replacing them with crayon. This winter, come to Animation, because we will animate you to be unique, different, ek se become a Popeye.
WILLIE & MRIX: EMAILS
NEWS
BABALAZI: I’m Babalazi Stlamatlam for the last bulletin of the day. Rumours about pastors Sis being a fake healer has left people with unanswered questions. It's said that the preacher is robbing people because if you read the bible correctly, there is nowhere where Jesus ever asked people to give him money. Other people said he must go to Chris Hanoi Hospital and hospices in SA to assist our Dept of Health to cure the sick. Surely the minister won’t mind the help. Well, from me, Babalazi, here is a tip to church goers: if you are asked to donate money, just ask for God’s banking details and do a heavenly transfer.
A pensioner was crying in grief after he was told by the department of welfare that he can’t get paid. The pensioner told our news team that...
PENSIONER: The welfare department told me that I’m very, very, very old so they gave me a new id book but instead of writing my age they wrote ‘expired’.
BABALAZI: Things are still tense in Zimbabwe since people went to the voting station some weeks ago. Mr. Mbeki was send by SADC to go and observe the crisis. Lala Mashishi has the report.
CROWD: Rape. Burn. Take the farm. Kill.
BELINDA: The situation is still not conducive. The president of SA Mr. Mpheki has been send by SADC to observe the situation in Zimbabwe. He’s watching. He is still watching. Let me speak to Mr. Mpeki. Sir, what do you think about the situation?
MPEKI: There’s no crisis in Zim.
BELINDA: Are you sure, Sir?
MPEKI: I don’t see any crisis.
BELINDA: You’ve heard from Mr. Mpeki – there’s no crisis in Zim. You can all go home to load shedding.
CROWD MEMBER: I’m burning. I’m burning.
EMERGENCY SPORTS
AMANGKWA: Guys, as we all know - Perera has left us. He said he was heartbroken. But we all know he was not broke.
MRIX: That’s it from me, Mrix. You know you can’t get rid of me because I’m so sick. I’m like HIV. See you next week.
WILLIE: Sim mza, mza, mza. To those big ears and small ears: whatever you do, don’t do it over over do it. Don’t enjoy, but be enjoyed. They say it’s not over until the fat lady sings.
SONG: FOHLI
